I am a movie lover, but, as I have gotten older, I have come to realize that movies have been lying to me for most of my life. When I had this realization, I was furious because, as I said, I love movies. So, for those of you who do not know how blatantly movies lie, I am going to set you straight.
First of all, movies taught me that if I hang out in the woods, I will meet Prince Charming. As a resident of Wyoming, I have spent a fair amount of time in the woods, and I can tell you right now that there is no way you are going to find Prince Charming out there. You are far more likely to find poison ivy or a murderer in the woods than some overly attractive man on a horse. I have hiked and watched enough news to know you only find horrible things in the woods, whether that is a brutal rash or a dead body. Movies have been lying to us all, and I am here to clear that up before you go singing and frolicking with your furry woodland friends in the woods, only to be greeted by poisonous plants or a psychopath.
Movies also taught me that talking inanimate objects are perfectly natural. The day my dishes start singing and dancing for me or my rug starts to fly will be the day that I check myself into a mental facility. When I was younger I thought this was awesome. Now I know that I should probably check my cereal if I start seeing dancing spoons because someone likely slipped some hallucinogens into my Cheerios.
Movies have taught me that if I love someone enough, even if he is a bear/wolf/beast-man, there is a chance he will turn into a super-hot prince with lots of money and a bitchin’ library. I am going to come out and say what everyone already is thinking: there is no place in this world where falling in love with an animal is okay. Just because he happens to turn into a hottie in the end does not excuse the fact that for the first three-quarters of the movie, you were falling in love with an animal-man-creature. I do not care how rich he is, that is just unacceptable.
So, you now understand how deeply violated my trust in movies has become. I am sorry to remove the sparkly rose colored glasses, but the misinformation that we all have been fed is too dangerous to go unexposed. I urge you to tell anyone who does not understand the depth of the deception that has proliferated through our society. If this information is not spread, we may end up riddled with a society filled with rash covered, hallucinating people who are in love with half-human, half-wolf creatures.